I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
