Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
