3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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