Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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