you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
