So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
