You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
