My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
