3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
