Your face is a jimmy john
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
