weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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