I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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