I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
