I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
