The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
