Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
