Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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