2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
