I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
