bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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