If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
