I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
