To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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