i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
