Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
