my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Randomize
