i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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