and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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