woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
