hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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