Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
