I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
