The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just gargled with NyQuil
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