if you like me you must not know who I am
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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