Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
