that's an acceptable place to lick
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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