3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
