just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
