I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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