do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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