2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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