Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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