Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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