i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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