Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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