my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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