I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
