When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
