Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
