I am in a vortex of obligation.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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