If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
