Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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