I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
